traction and distraction

It's hard for my to even begin to process the last few weeks. In an attempt to escape all of it, Zoe and I ran away together for the day. It didn't help me understand my current situation any better, but it was fun and full of distracting tastes and sights. 

I've worked really hard to distract myself from my various recent problems and anxieties. I even cancelled my recital in hopes of healing from tendonitis. I've found ways to convince myself that a breakup after a two year relationship is really not that bad.  I've watched mind-numbing movies with my mother when I know that we're both thinking about my Dad spending Christmas alone. I constantly remind myself that it could be worse, and I KNOW it could be worse. But this is my life and these are my problems. I've never been so impulsive, hedonistic, and eager for male attention. I tell myself that this is temporary, but I'm afraid if I don't run away from these habits now I'll just get myself into more trouble.

Being away from my cello is weakening me. I'm not really sure who I am away from this big wooden box, and in moments like this, I realize how much this THING has become a part of my identity. Although I can't imagine life without playing music, I also can't stand the thought of needing it. My sense of identity away from the cello is blurry at best. I've always said "Fuck plan b" with an uppercase F and a lowercase b, but I'm quickly losing confidence in my original plan to only have an original plan.

Just to clarify, my distractions have not been meaningless. One distraction in particular has given me a really interesting perspective and a surprising amount of affection. It has also caused me to swing back and forth between boosts and drops of confidence because I am constantly questioning this distraction's intentions and desires. I would like this distraction to be much more than a distraction, but I am afraid that this distraction believes that I am also just a distraction and cannot be more than a distraction. These concerns are already distracting me from the original distraction.