oh god

When I came home this morning from the store, I ran into a group of about ten people walking down the sidewalk carrying gift bags. I asked what they were doing and they said they were from the church across the street and they were talking to people and giving gifts.
"Have you ever thought of visiting our church?" one woman asked.

I had, so I honestly said. "Yes."

"Can we say a prayer for you?" she asked me. I hesitated for a second, but told her yes. They formed a circle and we all held hands. They prayed for my soul and prayed that I would form a relationship with God and prayed that my house would always be protected from danger. All the others started praying for me simultaneously and I briefly glanced up to watch their faces. I even said "amen" at the end. They each hugged me before they continued their walk, and although I had no belief that my soul was any more close to getting saved, I allowed myself to enjoy each stranger looking me in the eye, smiling, and giving me a warm hug.

It's easy for me to be cynical about church. I was raised to ask questions and to doubt absolutely everything.  Jesus has always seemed like a pretty fascinating person to me, but I have no reason to believe that God somehow impregnated his virgin mother. Week after week, I sit through church services and pick apart each sermon until the only truth I can actually conclude is that people are completely insane for choosing to attend church services and for choosing to pump their money into it. While each church is different, they all emphasize forming a personal relationship with God. To me, forming a relationship with God is like trying to form a personal relationship with a doll that your mother has always told you is up in the attic, but you've never actually seen this doll... and you try to imagine its face.... and she tells you that this doll is the most important thing in the universe but the ladder to the attic is broken and has always been broken so just try try try to have faith that it's there in the first place... and oh by the way you must tell all of your friends about this doll. Is this a horrible analogy? It probably is.

Anyway, it seems to me that while churches emphasize forming a relationship with God, the more honest and attainable goal is forming relationships with OTHER PEOPLE. You know, real living and breathing and farting people. Why else go to church?

In the spirit of Christmas, I have decided to suspend some of my cynicism for a moment just to recognize some of the similarities between me, a girl who laughs during communion and sends text messages during the sermon, and church people. I enjoy a sense of community. I enjoy speculating about the mysterious functions of the universe. I enjoy hugging. I enjoy stories. I enjoy volunteer work, even though I know my ego is wrapped up in it. I think I could even enjoy imagining that my food is the flesh of a person, but I haven't given that much effort yet.

I wanted to laugh at the church people walking down the sidewalk, but how could I laugh at people who are willing to hold my hand, wish for my safety, and give me hugs? Physical and emotional pain has made the past few months difficult. Friends and strangers have offered advice that could "save" me: God, pills, water, exercise, working hard, not working hard, having sex, not having sex, time with friends, time away from people, vegetables, vitamins.... The list grows longer each day. I appreciate all of the advice and maybe some of these things and activities and concepts will ease my pain, but what has helped me more than anything is just having people involved in my life in the first place. Our bodies work hard to move and speak and think, and when someone uses this limited energy to try to help me, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude. So... there you go. Everything is fine and Merry Christmas.