this is what it feels like, I guess

I feel like my heart is breaking over and over again. I'm starting to forget how the cello feels cradled in my arms and all I want to do is rescue it from my locker and run away with it... going somewhere far away to lock myself in a room and play for days with nobody around to point out that I am not supposed to be playing because I have a mysterious injury. School is pretty much over, and I'm sitting in my room looking at the artifacts from my past life as a musician: sheet music, a practice mute, rosin....

I miss practicing in melrose with the window open and seeing faces turn in my direction as they wonder where all the noise is coming from. When I'm not making loud sounds, I feel like nobody hears me and nobody sees me. Not only am I not making money from gigs, I'm spending all my college money on physical therapy. When the radio station cruelly decides to play some beautiful cello concerto, I have to turn the station to something really boring and terrible. I have a lump in my throat that does not go away. Even though I know the universe is not out to get me, it's certainly not paying attention. This must be what unrequited love feels like.