really, we can't help it

art by david shrigley

With every photo and remark I post online, I step back and ask how it will shape my identity. I can scroll down and click a few buttons to trace back conversations and pictures that would never have been remembered. And if one decided to go back far enough to uncover this fragmented version of myself, a screwy story would unfold. So I continue to add to this story bit by bit and occasionally ask myself how it fits in to the larger narrative. Every now and then, a comment or photo makes no sense in my story and with one click, it can disappear forever. Sometimes, I go far back in my emails or facebook messages to remember an interaction from years ago. It feels wrong, but it's so easy.

The internet lets me escape the physical world. I spend so much time learning to play a big, awkward instrument. When I finally get in front of people and it's time to perform, my hands might get sweaty or my heart might beat to fast or my fingers might be too cold because some jerk left a window open. There's no getting around the realness of it all. But I get on the computer and I create and destroy with so little effort. I can pause and plan and delete sentences and friends and pictures. It's a high.

Because it's Knoxville, I run into old friends constantly. I'm always surprised when one of these friends says something like "How's your arm?" or "So you're dating Steven?" I shouldn't be surprised- that's how the internet (especially facebook) works. But I forget sometimes the hundreds of people who can so easily keep track of these little bits of my life. And I've caught glimpses of so many lives myself. It feels like I'm looking in the medicine cabinets of everyone I know. And I'm not saying that anything is wrong with all of this, but if you're one of those people who says things like "That guy is facebook stalking me" or "It's so creepy- she comments on all of my pictures," just remember that you signed up for this. And if you think the girl who comments on everything you do is creepy, think about all the people who are afraid to comment because they feel somehow ashamed or undeserving about having full access to so much of your life. What's creepy is that so many of us are in denial about how excited we are to have this power to drop in and check up on somebody's life. And we're in denial about how excited we are to have the power to create our our own stories about our own lives, whether they are comedies or tragedies or just plain boring and cute.

Don't feel creepy if you're reading this right now. I think that.... I love being caught up in this for now. I've created a version of "myself" that I feel pretty satisfied with, and I'm starting to believe that "myself" is more important to the world than myself.

made this in high school. thought it was cooler than it was. but it fits.