more than a pile of atoms

Warm weather comes and I turn into a mess. I become nostalgic and my heart beats a little faster and I start remembering everything and everyone that has ever happened to me. It's been 56 degrees 307 times in my life and I remember each one.

All the characters of my life live in a cozy, little corner in the back of my brain. My third grade teacher, my grandmother, the guy I kissed in middle school, this other guy, that one guy who was a jerk, and my cross country buddy, and this other guy... they're all in there and will never leave. I revisit them every now and then and fantasize about the dialogue that might unfold. Many of these people have spent much more time existing in my imagination than in the flesh, and I have carefully crafted and re-crafted them in a way that makes more sense in a larger narrative. I'm sad when I remember that my concept of a person is not a person but it all makes sense this way and the gaps get filled in beautifully when I do a little mental housekeeping.

I feel and I hurt and I feel and I hurt over and over again. My close friend and I talked about relationships a few days ago. She told me that for now, she just doesn't see a point. She believes that it's impossible to really get inside somebody's head, and it results in pain 100% of the time. I've experienced that pain, but I continually chase after something that I can't even define. The feelings rising up in me make me feel so alive and overwhelmed and happy and terrified at the same time. Maybe I'm simply addicted to the physiological response of being around someone I'm interested in and attracted to. But I can't allow myself to think only in biological terms though because despite being pretty comfortable with the lack of god in my life and the lack of belief that I have some sort of destiny, I need that magic that I feel when I look into someone's eyes and feel like we have a secret that nobody else will ever know and that we will never know ourselves. Maybe one day I'll look back on this sentiment and laugh at how naive I was at 20.

I agree with my friend: we are basically alone. I don't have many beliefs with easy labels, but I do believe that he process of trying to affect somebody and allowing them to affect you matters a whole lot. I am chasing after a person and an idea and a feeling. I don't know exactly when to stop running towards it, maybe when I finally get there, I will feel more than just the wind in my hair.